I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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