theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
