I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
