So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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