I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
