I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
