just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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