Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
