I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
