Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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