I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
