I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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