I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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