She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
