My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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