Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
