Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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