Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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