Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
