I'm sorry my penis didn't work
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
