she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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