booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
