ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
