remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
