just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
