whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
