Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
