Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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