I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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