I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
