I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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