I wanna passion pit in your ass
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
