After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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