Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
