is your mom at the bar?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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