I just threw up on my dentist
time to smoke my breakfast
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
