Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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