so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
