just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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