So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
