I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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