just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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