She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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