so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
