WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
