I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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