I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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