im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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