I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
