I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Randomize
