Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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