I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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