I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
